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Why aren't there any roads?!

[Hello, world of pokemon. Church is grumpy. You'll find this is normal.] I mean, I get that towns can be small, but come on, did I land in the middle of fucking nowhere?! You've gotta have roads--don't you have cars? Please tell me you have cars. How else do you ship things around, unless this is secretly an advanced civilization and everything's delivered by airships. Or like...drones.

But no, I haven't found a single road yet. It's just forest and dirt paths and tall grass and ledges that I can't seem to be able to hop up???

And, and, these stupid god damn mutant freaks of nature keep wanting to bust a cap in my ass. Thankfully I've got a sentient bowling ball to smack things with its body. Apparently. I got as far as a cave and apparently my electric powered lightning ball can't light anything up for shit, so I thought better of staying in a dark creepy-ass cave because I've seen horror movies, so now I have to go all the way back the way I came and walk--walk!--in the direction of a different town, and do you know what would make this way easier?

That's right. Cars. On roads. To ferry people to and from places without having to walk every god damn where. Shows me what I get when I go toward the first building I see.

In short, I hate this place, I hate your crazy experimental mutant creatures from the depths of every child's nightmares, I hate walking for days, I'm pretty sure if I ever have granola again I'm going to kill myself, and I'm ready to wake up from this stupid fucking hallucination any day now.

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It's, uh, it's been a while, okay, I mean, how many robots have I had to go through now? Like jesus christ if people could stop killing me for once that'd be great. [Ha, see, it's funny, because he's actually dead now.]

Oh my god. This is hell, isn't it. We're actually all dead. And this is some kind of fucked up purgatory with music that wON'T STOP.

Okay, thank fucking christ, I thought the music was just me but I didn't wanna be the one to say it.

[THANKS FOR NOTHING CAROLINA OR YORK OR NORTH.]

But no, if we're dead, then this is the most relaxing hell I've ever imagined.

Good point. There's no Caboose, so maybe it is just purgatory or whatever. Man, if I have to pay some divine being to get anywhere, I'm fucked. I left my wallet in my other body.

Oh dude, I can actually help with that.

You got a bag right? When you left that house that weirdo woman was at, in the bag is a bunch of supplies, there's money and a bunch of shit in there.

I know there's stuff in there, kind of why I'm getting sick of granola. [It's not entirely true. Eating is interesting. And good! And he can't time anything for shit until his body is giving him all kinds of crazy signals to interpret, that he knows exactly what they mean too, that the motions are automatic, because he's done this all before and also for the first time--

Ugh. No. Headache. Stop that.]

I mean, I'm pretty sure we stopped getting paid anyway. The Reds deleted the Blues from...everything. Who knows how to convert this shit to money that isn't foreign as fuck? Do they take credit cards?

Yeah, I heard about that after the fact. What the fuck, man.

And I don't think they do. The only money anyone here takes is that money in your bag. Kinda sucks, but found out you can get paid some if someone challenges your travel buddy there and you win.

Dude, they can pay me to take my 'travel buddy'.

I dunno how this shit works, Church, I'm just telling you what I do know.

[This is like falling back into step with his old friend but he's gotta be careful and not slip up, talk about shit from after Sidewinder.]

There's better tasting stuff than granola, what else have you tried?

Well, I mean, how long have you even been here? I got here a couple days ago...fucking wandering the not-roads.

Uh. What else have I tried? Just the food stuffed in this nerdy-ass backpack. I'm not taking my chances with any wild berries; I don't give a fuck what this field guide says.

About a week? Give or take.

Yeah seriously avoid that shit, we had too many close calls with Caboose.

I don't even know if this ball eats anything. I mean. It's alive? But it's also a solid metal ball with eyes. I'm not sure it even has a mouth.

York and North seem like they know a lot about this stuff so you can probably ask them.

[If you're done being an asshole to York, that is.] Where I got most of my info from.

Yeah. Freelancers. Being helpful. Okay.

I mean, he can't put a gun to my head from wherever the fuck he is, so that's at least a plus.

[.............Right.

If this were the younger Tucker that Church knew, he'd probably roll over and move on with a different topic. As it is, Tucker currently? Doesn't get why the fuck Church doesn't want help. Also? He's pretty chill with Carolina now at least, so he's taking some mild offense on her behalf.]

Dude what the fuck is your problem? They're practically harmless here. No weapons, no killing, no Freelancer command giving them orders.

I'm sorry, you've met Freelancers, right? Repeatedly. They've generally tried to kill us--specifically you in fact!, rope us into crazy missions that tried to kill us, or made our lives fucking miserable. [Tex is a special kind of misery.] And they're not harmless just because they don't have weapons. You've seen Tex. Tex didn't need any weapons. She's got her biceps.

. . .

[Holy shit Church is actively ignoring everything he's said and everything he knows about Tex's whole... situation.

Why did he miss this asshole again?]

Yeah, I have. And surprisingly, not all of them are horrible after the first few weeks. Also surprise, other shit made our lives just as miserable that weren't related to them!

Our lives are kind of because of them. Their Project, anyway. That's why we got stuck in some god-forsaken canyon in the middle of nowhere. It's why Tex ran off with Omega and Andy and Wyoming's stupid helmet and your kid and exploded. It's why we all got sent off different places for over a year! It's why a lot of people are dead. [him included shh]

What the fuck happened that made you trust these supersoldiers from hell?

I only trust the two that're left because a lot of shit happened after that.

[He takes a deep breath, tries not to lose his cool. Glances at his Honedge making little concerned noises at him now.]

I know that. Look, I know that better than fucking anybody, that project shit was the reason I am where I am now - [a father, an ambassador, crash landed with the rest of them, a certified Hero to the UNSC] all right? I get it. I fucking get it, Church.

[A freelancer's the reason he never got to say bye to his best friend. He eventually forgave Wash and moved on, but that fact still remains. And Carolina still had a gun to his face and threatened to blow his head off if he didn't agree to fight the Director with her. He forgave that too.]

Maybe I just got tired of hating everybody.

[Now he only hates specific people.]

...Yeah. I--yeah. Okay. [It's like he told Caboose. About hating people for personal reasons, not because you're told to. It's like that. And he gets that. It's not like he hated Tex. It's not like he specifically had anything against York or Carolina or the others that he--he knows the names, knows vague, more than vague things about them, and he's sure Tex told him tidbits, but when would there have been time if they never-- He couldn't have made it all up if it's all true--

Fuck it.]

Sorry. It's been a long...long couple of days. Was a really long day before I even got here.

[And just like that, that's over with.]

Trust me, I know. Fuck do I know.

Got so much shit to tell you when you get over here.

I'll try and follow this map to--where are you again? So you can bore me with all your stories and also treat me to dinner.

Goldenrod, and I'll do you one better. I'll bore you with my shitty stories over beer. You gotta be drunk to believe some of this crap.

Okay, I found it on the map and it might as well be forever away but cool. You better be there when I get there, asshole.

[He makes a mental note to be somewhere else in a few weeks.]

Yeah yeah, I'll see you when you get here.

I can try to help with other stuff in the meantime.

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