[audio]

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Why aren't there any roads?!

[Hello, world of pokemon. Church is grumpy. You'll find this is normal.] I mean, I get that towns can be small, but come on, did I land in the middle of fucking nowhere?! You've gotta have roads--don't you have cars? Please tell me you have cars. How else do you ship things around, unless this is secretly an advanced civilization and everything's delivered by airships. Or like...drones.

But no, I haven't found a single road yet. It's just forest and dirt paths and tall grass and ledges that I can't seem to be able to hop up???

And, and, these stupid god damn mutant freaks of nature keep wanting to bust a cap in my ass. Thankfully I've got a sentient bowling ball to smack things with its body. Apparently. I got as far as a cave and apparently my electric powered lightning ball can't light anything up for shit, so I thought better of staying in a dark creepy-ass cave because I've seen horror movies, so now I have to go all the way back the way I came and walk--walk!--in the direction of a different town, and do you know what would make this way easier?

That's right. Cars. On roads. To ferry people to and from places without having to walk every god damn where. Shows me what I get when I go toward the first building I see.

In short, I hate this place, I hate your crazy experimental mutant creatures from the depths of every child's nightmares, I hate walking for days, I'm pretty sure if I ever have granola again I'm going to kill myself, and I'm ready to wake up from this stupid fucking hallucination any day now.

Comments

[pipers_son]

And that is why you learn ta cook over campfires.

More ya know.

[People who are being unhelpful trolls: Joker.]

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Okay great that's fine just point me to a fucking campfire and also find me something to cook. Unless I'm supposed to hunt these things.

Am I...am I supposed to throw this angry ball at these fucked up chickens [pidgey] and cook them up?

[pipers_son]

I think ya can get arrested for that. [If it's even possible. What is death in Johto? We just don't know.] Anyway, usually ya should stop in a town and get supplies...

Don't suppose you've been payin' attention ta any signs or where you've been goin', have ya?

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

I was going to go north to a town, through a building that was the first building I've seen for days, and it instead took me to a dark-ass cave. So now I'm going west. It's fucking annoying, and when I get to town, I'll stock up on like...hamburger patties or whatever.

Okay. Okay, help me out here. You can get arrested for hunting wild animals--okay, sure, maybe it's not hunting season, maybe you need a license, whatever. But making animals fight? Deliberately? That's perfectly legal?

[pipers_son]

I think it's 'cuz they're smart. Especially the ones who have vines and psychic powers who can pick things up ta mess with ya.

...So when ya get anythin' that actually has limbs, be careful, they love goin' on the network.

[The more you know, brought to you by Joker.]

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Good thing I've got a mouthless orb then. Did you seriously use the words 'psychic powers' at me? Actually? For real? Are you trying to tell me that's a thing?

[pipers_son]

Mate. Take a look at what's happened ta ya. That ain't even the strangest think about this place.

perma voice

[dosomethingslacker]

[He wondered where he was. Not that he can tell the difference right away.]

Took you long enough, asshole.

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

And where the fuck have you been?

[dosomethingslacker]

Further up the road, city called Goldenrod. Carolina and some others are here already.

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

I...kinda meant for the past year and change, but that helps, too, I guess. Let me just pull up the map and oh good it's fucking forever away.

Hold on, did you say Carolina? As in...Agent Carolina?

[dosomethingslacker]

Dude, I've only been here for like - a week. You were just with me on the ship.

And yeah, the only Carolina we know?

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

No, I mean when we all got shipped off to different bases! What ship are you even talking about?!

audio

[secondplacing]

...Church. You're kidding me.

[looks like Carolina's walked in fifteen minutes late with Starbucks.]

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Hello? Tell me you have a car. Someone please have fucking vehicles here. I get that I have never been in the best shape [for a robot] but no man was meant for this much walking.

[secondplacing]

You're not gonna get a car around here. Tough luck.

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Well what the fuck kind of civilization is that where they can make iphones but can't make a car! Or these growy-shrinky balls instead of, I dunno, a warthog or a motorcycle. I'd take a pelican at this rate and I sure can't fucking fly one of those.

[secondplacing]

...Well, you could fly something like a pelican here.

[Dryly. You can almost see the corner of her mouth turned up.]

Have to rely on your pokémon around here, Church.

[She's gonna wait for you to chillax a half second before she asks you any questions, though.]

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Okay, well, all my "pokemon" [hear those airquotes] can do is roll around, give me grumpy eyes, occasionally spark, and throw itself bodily at things. So. It hasn't been completely useless, but I'd rather have a gun.

[Audio]

[ratherbelocky]

You know, if your lightning ball's not working for your adventures in spelunking, I could get you a lightning cat that might do the trick. Once you're back in town, I mean.

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Good. Good. Because that's really what was missing in my life. A lightning cat to play with my lightning ball. So tell me, does that come with free lightning catnip or do I have to pay extra for that?

[ratherbelocky]

Yeah, that's not part of the package. Wouldn't charge you for the cat, though. It's a case of "Kittens: Free to a Good Home" out here, but I'd rather foist them off on strangers before resorting to the old cardboard box on the street method.

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Well, when I get a home, much less a good one, I'll let you know.

For the record, buildings between paths through the middle of forests are not homes, and neither are forests. So. Might be a while.

[ratherbelocky]

Far as I can tell, the cats don't mind, but fair enough. I guess I wouldn't want an extra mouth to feed if all I had was granola either.

--Word to the wise, though. Don't eat the berries on the side of the road.

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Outdoor lightning cats then. Got it.

Oh! Uh, I think there's some sort of--I saw something in here about berries, y'know, the foraging for food thing like a real god damn outdoorsman... [Sounds like he's digging in his backpack.] But generally speaking I was pretty sure that was, y'know, common knowledge. Not to pick and eat random mushrooms and fruit in the fucking forest.

Also, a dirt walking path through the woods? Not a road. That's a path. It's a trail. A walking trail.