[audio]

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Why aren't there any roads?!

[Hello, world of pokemon. Church is grumpy. You'll find this is normal.] I mean, I get that towns can be small, but come on, did I land in the middle of fucking nowhere?! You've gotta have roads--don't you have cars? Please tell me you have cars. How else do you ship things around, unless this is secretly an advanced civilization and everything's delivered by airships. Or like...drones.

But no, I haven't found a single road yet. It's just forest and dirt paths and tall grass and ledges that I can't seem to be able to hop up???

And, and, these stupid god damn mutant freaks of nature keep wanting to bust a cap in my ass. Thankfully I've got a sentient bowling ball to smack things with its body. Apparently. I got as far as a cave and apparently my electric powered lightning ball can't light anything up for shit, so I thought better of staying in a dark creepy-ass cave because I've seen horror movies, so now I have to go all the way back the way I came and walk--walk!--in the direction of a different town, and do you know what would make this way easier?

That's right. Cars. On roads. To ferry people to and from places without having to walk every god damn where. Shows me what I get when I go toward the first building I see.

In short, I hate this place, I hate your crazy experimental mutant creatures from the depths of every child's nightmares, I hate walking for days, I'm pretty sure if I ever have granola again I'm going to kill myself, and I'm ready to wake up from this stupid fucking hallucination any day now.

Comments

[ratherbelocky]

[...That sounds fake, but okay.]

Man, what an asshole. I hate that guy. You know, he's always been like that? Don't tell me he was still going on with his knock-knock crap.

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

No, that was the AI. It was fucking annoying. Fucking Gary and his stupid jokes and his stupid racism against humans and his stupid taking over our tank.

[ratherbelocky]

Gary. Gamma? Huh. Delta and I never could figure out that dude's angle. Besides generally being a dick. Guess in that way, he and Wyoming were made for each other.

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Delta? Oh, hey, he wouldn't happen to be...here...or anything, would he? I liked that little prick. He talked sense when he wasn't speaking in riddles.

[ratherbelocky]

Haha, was he ever not speaking in riddles, man? He's not here, though. Didn't turn up with me, at least, and North's missing Theta, too.

[Hold that thought.]

When did you meet Delta?

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

When I met Washington. Hitched a ride in Caboose, left some cryptic messages in his head...but good guy. Mostly good guy. AI. Hologram. Dude.

[ratherbelocky]

Yeah, he was all right. Well, it's good to know he made some friends and all. You wouldn't believe how bad his social skills were back when we first got paired.

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Well, guy also said that Wash's behavior was 'within acceptable deviations', so I'm sure he picked up lying from someone.

[ratherbelocky]

[SNORT.]

Don't look at me, officer, I'm as innocent as the day I was born.

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Yeah, cuz that's totally how you ended up a Freelancer, by being pure as the driven snow.

[ratherbelocky]

See? You get me. We're angels.

[Angels of DISASTER, maybe.]

Hard to imagine Wash not being within acceptable deviations, though. Dude used to get so uppity about protocol. I wanted to shove him in a locker.

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Oh, I'm sure he was still about protocol. Destroying people and hunting down monsters seems about protocol. What a rigid shit.

[ratherbelocky]

Monsters? ...Oh, you must be talking about--shit, what did Carolina call him. The Meta, right? Damn.

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Yeah, the Meta. Scary motherfucker. Who was apparently one of yours.

Got Delta. Sorry. On both counts.

[ratherbelocky]

Maine. Yeah. ...Not your fault, dude. Probably we're the ones who should be sorry a bunch of sim troopers got caught up in PFL's shit.

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Do you know how much of my life would not be bullshit right now if it wasn't for Freelancer? [All of it, because then he probably wouldn't exist, or if he did exist, he'd be whole.]

[ratherbelocky]

Okay, in my defense, I'd probably still be alive if it wasn't for Freelancer? Or at least I would have died in a cooler way. Like, after shooting fifty Insurrectionists in freefall off a skyscraper or something. That would've been a much better note to go out on.

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Did your team replace you with a hunk of metal that was vital evidence to bring the Project to justice?

[ratherbelocky]

Not as far as I'm aware, but my team also got me killed in the first place, so.

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Eh, welcome to my world. I get team killed all the time.

[ratherbelocky]

...In a metaphorical way, or?

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

No, in a team killing fucktard way, me standing over my dead body way, got blown up with my own tank the first time way.

[ratherbelocky]

Iiiii'm not used to that being a repeat occurrence.

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

You get used to it after a couple of robot bodies.

[ratherbelocky]

Uh...huh. [Uh-huh.] So you're a robot. A robot named Church.