[audio]

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Why aren't there any roads?!

[Hello, world of pokemon. Church is grumpy. You'll find this is normal.] I mean, I get that towns can be small, but come on, did I land in the middle of fucking nowhere?! You've gotta have roads--don't you have cars? Please tell me you have cars. How else do you ship things around, unless this is secretly an advanced civilization and everything's delivered by airships. Or like...drones.

But no, I haven't found a single road yet. It's just forest and dirt paths and tall grass and ledges that I can't seem to be able to hop up???

And, and, these stupid god damn mutant freaks of nature keep wanting to bust a cap in my ass. Thankfully I've got a sentient bowling ball to smack things with its body. Apparently. I got as far as a cave and apparently my electric powered lightning ball can't light anything up for shit, so I thought better of staying in a dark creepy-ass cave because I've seen horror movies, so now I have to go all the way back the way I came and walk--walk!--in the direction of a different town, and do you know what would make this way easier?

That's right. Cars. On roads. To ferry people to and from places without having to walk every god damn where. Shows me what I get when I go toward the first building I see.

In short, I hate this place, I hate your crazy experimental mutant creatures from the depths of every child's nightmares, I hate walking for days, I'm pretty sure if I ever have granola again I'm going to kill myself, and I'm ready to wake up from this stupid fucking hallucination any day now.

Comments

[Audio]

[ratherbelocky]

You know, if your lightning ball's not working for your adventures in spelunking, I could get you a lightning cat that might do the trick. Once you're back in town, I mean.

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Good. Good. Because that's really what was missing in my life. A lightning cat to play with my lightning ball. So tell me, does that come with free lightning catnip or do I have to pay extra for that?

[ratherbelocky]

Yeah, that's not part of the package. Wouldn't charge you for the cat, though. It's a case of "Kittens: Free to a Good Home" out here, but I'd rather foist them off on strangers before resorting to the old cardboard box on the street method.

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Well, when I get a home, much less a good one, I'll let you know.

For the record, buildings between paths through the middle of forests are not homes, and neither are forests. So. Might be a while.

[ratherbelocky]

Far as I can tell, the cats don't mind, but fair enough. I guess I wouldn't want an extra mouth to feed if all I had was granola either.

--Word to the wise, though. Don't eat the berries on the side of the road.

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Outdoor lightning cats then. Got it.

Oh! Uh, I think there's some sort of--I saw something in here about berries, y'know, the foraging for food thing like a real god damn outdoorsman... [Sounds like he's digging in his backpack.] But generally speaking I was pretty sure that was, y'know, common knowledge. Not to pick and eat random mushrooms and fruit in the fucking forest.

Also, a dirt walking path through the woods? Not a road. That's a path. It's a trail. A walking trail.

[ratherbelocky]

People bike on 'em, too. Could be a biking trail.

[He is the most helpful Freelancer, it's him.]

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Which is still not a paved road for cars and trucks and other not-pedaled vehicles.

[ratherbelocky]

Well, how do you feel about horses?

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Uh. They're...animals? And you caaan--I've never ridden a horse, jackass. We didn't exactly have horses on alien planets.

[ratherbelocky]

Oh, huh! Alien planets? Where were you, dude? I mean, I've probably never heard of it, but you never know.

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Dude, you weren't missing much. I was mostly in a box canyon, fighting other morons for no reason. At least it wasn't Sidewinder. Fuckin hate that place...so much god damn snow...

[ratherbelocky]

Wait. Sidewinder?

...Are you UNSC?

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Oh my god. Yes. Yes I am, who the fuck are you?

[ratherbelocky]

I--uh.

[It occurs to him that he has no idea who this guy is whatsoever, and that coming out as a wanted fugitive and/or dead war criminal could get him in trouble.]

I'm retired, now. Took a grenade a little too close to the face. [All true, if uninformative.] You can call me Levy. You?

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Private Church. [Just Church. Not Leonard L. Church. Not Leonerd. That's for Tex. Just Church.] Leader of the Blue Team of Blood Gulch.

Well, formerly, I guess. Shit happened. Reassignments. [And recovery agents, and meta-amalgamations, and emps.]

[ratherbelocky]

[There's a weird, muted thump of some kind, like someone just carefully shoved his hand over where the PokéGear's microphone sits.

Son of a bitch.

Church.

Private Church, though, and assigned to a sim team, no less. That's more confusing than it isn't, and York finally removes his hand again, a little wary, now, while his voice stays friendly.]

Blood Gulch, huh? You wouldn't've happened to have heard of the Freelancers, then?

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

[That's. kind of a reaction, a muted thump and a couple moments of silence. Maybe his reputation precedes him. Question is whether that's his reputation as Blue leader or his reputation as not-a-human-being.]

You've run into them, too? [There's a little suspicion in his voice.] I mean they are kind of hush hush, no survivors sort of crap, but yeah. Head of them. Dealt with some. Before. On occasion.

[ratherbelocky]

[Right. York sighs.]

Okay, who was it. Was it Carolina or Wash? [...Actually.] Shit, was it Tex?

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Whoa, how many have you run into?

[ratherbelocky]

Well, thinking back...let's assume, roughly, all of them.

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Did you...work with them or...something? On the project?

[ratherbelocky]

Ehhh, for a while. The leaders of the Project and I had...creative differences.

[And Church has one of their names, dude.]

For example, I'm not really into torturing the innocent, or mowing down our own soldiers. Little things like that.

[motherfucking_ghosttype]

Yeah, jesus christ, that Director dude must've had some seriously fucked up shit going on. Like...yeah. Crazy...crazy motherfucker in charge of other crazy motherfuckers. Better that you got out of there.

[ratherbelocky]

...It's kind of funny, because his name was Church, too. Dr. Leonard Church.